The Marco and Jake Chrioncals
by Cyber Hyena1
Summary: The Hork Bajiar Chronicals, the Andlite Chronicals, The Elimist Chronicals, even Visser; can't compare to the stories of two teenage boys in a not so normal world. Takes Place a year after #54. Crossover with multiple medias. R&R and Please, no flames.
1. The Excellent Adventures of Marco and Ja...

**The Excellent Adventures of Marco and Jake**

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Disclaimer: I don't own Animorphs or any other characters that appear in this fic. I also know some you will nit pick, and yes Rachel is alive in this story. It will be explained in another fic.

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My name is Marco.

I can't tell you my last name because…well actually now I could tell you my last name, but after not telling any one what my last name is for so long, I kinda forgot it. Anyway, you know me and my friends and our previous exploits. You don't? What rock have you been under?! It made international news for Chrissake!

Well the whole mess started one night when my friends and I decided to take a short cut through the construction sight. Back then it was me, Jake, Rachel, Cassie, Tobias, and the loveable Old James…… wait a sec. Old James wasn't there. I don't even know anybody named Old James, or James for that matter!! Gone.

To make a long story short we came across a dying alien prince name Elfangor. He told us about the whole Yeerk Fiasco and gave us the morphing gift. And the rest, as they say, is history. Well the war's over now and we kicked the Yeerks off our planet and back to their world.

After words treaties and alliances were formed and we became national heroes, not to mention make George Lucas wet his drawers. The Yeerks formed a treaty with the rest of the universe and became satisfied with the out come for the most part, the rest of creation throws a party. Since the Yeerks obliterated our old town, we all moved to a new one and went on with life.

Cassie is a successful part time veterinarian who works at the local clinic. Tell me you didn't see that one coming a mile away. Rachel is a detective on the police force. Rachelwith a badge and a gun permit, now _that_ is scary. Ax became a prince, just like his big bro. He brought humans to light with Andlites and like he once said, they started making pilgrimages to our world. They shared some of their technology with us, not too much, but enough to get us started. You though the Pentium 4 was fast? HA! Tobias travels with Ax and became a flying ace among the Andlites, back home, he studies ornithology at the local college. And me? I became an Entrepreneur!

I opened a comic stare down town called "Marco's Vault." We sell not only comics, but manga, magazines, books, video game strategy guides, and CCGs. Special discounts to cute girls. I also do stand up at the local comedy club. You think Jim Bruer's good? You should see me. Jake is co-owner and works with me.

My life still isn't normal though. Apparently our fame got around to people in different parts of the world and in different worlds and they come to me and Jake for help, as heroes-for-hire. Some are super powerful martial artists who could level half a town, but quite a few of these guys don't have enough brain cells to find their way out of a paper bag.

*Whap!*

Ouch! Sorry, Ryouga. In fact, one of our many adventures started on muggy Saturday in August……..

************

Marco's store was a squat one story building nestled between an apartment building and an office building. The interior had shelves, racks, and display cases full of Marco's wares. One side of the store was a Terminator Pinball machine and right across from it was a Bubble Boy. The case at the back served as the service counter with the cash register perched on top. On the outside was large sign and a Pepsi Machine.

Marco sat poised at the cash register reading a "Dead Pool" comic, while Jake read the latest issue of "Rolling Stone." Jake looked up from his magazine. "So I hear you did good at the club last night." Marco sighed. "I only got a good review because two Howlers ran out on stage and pantsed me. I thought they were laughing at my Colin Powles jokes." He muttered.

Then they were approached by an old friend of theirs. "Hey Eric!" Eric the Chee clapped hands with him and put a manga down on the counter. "Hey guys, could you ring this up for me?"

"Sure. It's fifteen bucks, but I'll shave off five." Eric Paid him as Marco entered it in, then he glanced at the android's perches. "I didn't know you were into Mobile Suit Gundam." Eric smiled. "I reminds me of my self."

As Eric left, another guy entered. He looked about 16 or 17, he had a black hair in a pigtail, and wore Chinese clothing. He walked with a cocky gait as he approached the not so dynamic duo. "Hey, I'm Ranma, and I need your help." Marco looked up with a grin and Jake sighed. It couldn't last. " I'm Marco, how may I help you?" Ranma looked around. "I need to explain things, you have a lot of time?" Marco shrugged as Ranma related the events of his life.

***************

"Okay, you managed to solve you fiancée problem for the most part so we don't have to worry about that." Jake visibly showed relief. "So what is you problem?" Marco inquired. "Well, actually Ryouga's the one in trouble, I got a note from Mousse a day or two ago." He hand them a crumpled piece of paper that read:

Ryouga's been captured by Amazons. Needs Help

Sincerely,

Mousse.

Ranma took the paper back. "He later came in person and explained things to me. Apparently P-Chan got jumped by a Tiger and ran right through the village, and in the process, ran over half the Amazons in the village…twice. Well after consulting the elders, they went on a husband hunt and…" Marco stopped him. " If I remember what you told us correctly, if a guy defeats an Amazon, she becomes his bride?" Ranma nodded. "So they chase him like Greyhounds on a dog track and Ryouga doesn't realize what's going on until he stops to catch his breath. He was dog piled by thirty of them. Then there was the problem of who gets him, so a tournament is being held, along with Ryouga as first prize."

Jake began to feel a sense of foreboding and dread about this mission, and he hadn't felt that way since the Yeerk Pool. "Marco don't say it."

"We'll do it!"

***************

"Why did you agree to help break Ryouga out?"

Ranma had left for China and Marco wasdashing about, turning things off, closing blinds and changing the sign. "Because I owe Ryouga favor, he kept Visser 2 from running me up the flag pole. He was lost as usual. Besides, I told you we should have done the super hero thing from the beginning!"

Marco went back into the storage room and pulled out a garage door opener and pressed it. A clear case popped out with a super hero costume in it that looked reminiscent of "Blank Man." It was spandex, gloves, a bandana, and a tie dye cape. He began putting it on and Jake shook his head. "You've got to lay off the 'Batman' comics."

"Oh ha ha ha." Marco muttered humor-lessly then pressed the control again and a second case popped out. "No Marco."

"But your my sidekick so you.."

"No. I don't' look good in spandex."

Marco sighed and went out into the main room and walked over to a nondescriptrack and pushed a hidden switch and it slid aside to revile a round hole. "Ladies first." Jake glared at him and jumped down the hole with Marco right behind him.

They were in garage with a car right in the center of it. Jake stared it and turned to his friend how was proudly admiring it like a Michelangelo sculpture.

"You bought a 1954 Mazda…"

"Yep."

"Painted it Tie Dye…"

"Mmhm."

"…and put a big 'M' on the hood."

Jake looked his friend and sighed. "You really have to lay off the comics." But even though he complained Jake still got in along with Marco, who in true Batman fashion, drove up a ramp and out into the street through a secret entrance behind a Chinese Restaurant.

"Hold on tight Jake!"

"Why?"

"Ax gave me a light warp drive…"

"You didn't."

"Here we go!"

"MARCO NO!!" 

Marco ignored him and pressed a button on his dash board. Out of the rear, two twin engines emerged. The car gave a rumble as the engine lit up, and it appeared to other people on the outside, to stretch out like a piece of taffy, then lurched forward and disappeared in flash of light.

Inside the view outside the windows turned from a busy highway to a white void, then beams of blue light began to flash by as they entered hyper space. Jake felt himself violently slam back in his seat due to the force, his ears popped three times consecutively. "AAAAAAAAA!!!"

"Marco, this is insane!"

"Stop stealing my lines!"

************************

Ranma waited patiently outside the village gate, checking his watch. Marco said he'd be here, and he had only fifteen minutes left. 'I swear, he's just as bad as Ryouga.' What Ranma didn't notice was the air starting to ripple. He did hear a dull roar.

Ranma nearly wet himself as a tie-dyed Mazda popped out of nowhere and stopped inches away from his cringing form. The doors opened, and a figure clad in a ridiculous looking superhero outfit bounded out of the driver's side. The other occupant flopped out on the ground and gasped like a half-spent fish.

Ranma stared and began to snicker. "Let me guess, Captain Spandex and his side kick Normal Guy?" Marco came out of pose and glared at Ranma. "Leave the one-liners to me okay?" Ranma shrugged. "Okay, get rid of the spandex and follow me.

[ Batman scene change with a swirling multi-colored back ground. A "M&J" zooms in]

Ranma and co. stood before Ryouga who was, for the moment, un harmed. "Hey, P-chan. How are they treatin' you in there?" Ryouga stood in front of a small one person hut, a heavy, thick manacle was attached to his ankle. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks.

"Let's just say I'm not getting respect a warrior deserves." He paused and his lip trembled. "I was up all night…GETTING HARASSED!!" As he said this two amazons walked by him, one paused to slap him on the bottom, causing Ryouga to furiously blush. "See what I mean?!"

I think they're mistaking my kindness for weakness…" Ryouga finally couldn't take it anymore and began to weep. "…I'm so scared!!" Marco's brow knitted in disgust and walked for ward and began shaking the lost boy by his shoulders.

"Common, Stop crying, Ryouga!! Don't let 'em see you crying here! Now look at me!" Ryouga wiped his tear stained face on his sleeve and looked at Marco. "Okay, now show me a mean face." Ryouga hesitated, the scrunched up his eyes, bared his teeth a little and made an "Errr!" sound. The other three boys sweat dropped. "Yeah…yeah. T-that's a mean face alright. Uh, we'll work on it."

"How long do you think you can last?" Jake inquired. Ryouga shrugged. " I dunno, maybe five….six thirty!" The others smiled and laughed half heartily. "Oh common, you can be in there longer then that!" Ryouga began to panic at the care-less tone of voice, but Ranma patted him reassuringly. "But we will get you out." The others nodded as they turned to leave.

Marco took one last over the shoulder glance at the lost boy. He was now being cornered by several women with lustful gleams in their eyes. "They're gonna kill him."

*************

So then we set up camp in the woods and began to lay out our strategy. After much debating and several cups of instant coffee, we came up on a plan that I created…

[ "That's because we couldn't think of anything better" ]

Quiet, Jake. We decided to name the campaign, Operation: "Mr. Nice Guy." After our good friend, Ryouga. Our first step was to make our intentions clear to the opposition. We later sent our ultimatum to them.

********

Marco watched the guards at the gates and slowly crept out of the bushes, they stiffened, then relaxed. Marco began to slowly approach, but the intimidating way the guards held their swords caused him to dive back into the safety of the foliage.

The guards sweat dropped at his show of fear, then a paper airplane sailed out of the under brush and landed at the right most's feet. Arching an eyebrow she picked up and scanned the message. Said guard began to double up with mirth and handed the letter to her partner, who got a identical reaction from the content.

Soon laughter rang out from the guard house as the satirical material passed hands.

********

After we caused uncertainty and unrest in the village, we went a head with Plan A: The Direct Attack.

********

It could be said the guards were at least mildly surprised when a gorilla, a tiger, and some guy with a pigtail came charging out of the jungle screaming things like " McCloud!" and "Carpe Diem!"

Thinking quickly, they leapt aside as the motley group charged passed them and with in the village. One pulled out a whistle and gave it a sharp blow. Soon the village erupted in a symphony of violence as the would be rescuers were set upon by all most every warrior.

When they finally pulled out, the crusader's were a very sorry group. Ranma limped along using a broom handle as a walking stick, a bruised Jake lagged behind him, carrying Marco's battered and unconscious body over his shoulder.

***********

Well, that may not have been the wisest move on our part but we had to move one. Besides, that plan was Ranma's. Plan B: Psychological Warfare.

***********

Marco swaggered out of the jungle, lugging a large stereo. He placed it with in the hearing distance and turned the volume on Bass. An upbeat polka number began to ring out, disrupting the harmony of the area. "Give up?!" he cowed.

Thirty seconds later, the stereo diedas a spear soared out of the village. The thrower was given a victory feast later that evening.

***************

Well, maybe their too well guarded against mental torture, so after I gave my Casio a decent burial, we moved on. Plan C: The Arial Attack.

***************

"Thanks, Mr. Highwind, we really appreciate the favor." Marco expressed his gratitude as the grizzled old pilot flew his aircraft, the Highwind, over the Jusenkyo Area. "Ah, it's nothin', "said, brushing off the Animorph's thanks, " 'Sides, I ain't got anything better to do."

"Are you sure we can pull this off Marco?" Jake asked, expressing righteous concern for his well being. "Jake, have I ever steered you wrong? Don't answer that." Jake sighed and continued to struggle with the strap of his parachute.

Marco's "brilliant" idea was for them to pull a paratrooper number and float into the village. Ranma had gotten his on and began having second thoughts about this scheme. "Okay we're at the drop point, boys." Cid grunted as he light up a cigarette. "Uh, any last words of wisdom about parachuting?" asked Jake who had more or less gotten his on. Cid took a long drag and then finally said, "Yeah, don't look down, and try not to piss your drawers." Some how, that didn't comfort the ex-leader of the Animorphs.

Jake had no time to argue any more as Marco dragged him to the observation deck and threw him off, jumping right after him. Ranma stood there and began to have third and fourth thoughts and decided that he liked breathing. "Captain Highwind, could you set me down somewhere near by?"

***********

The two Animorphs tumbled and turned in the sky as the plummeted towards the ground. After a minute of screaming they suddenly remembered to pull their cords. Soon the chutes deployed and Jake began to have renewed faith in God.

"That wasn't so bad." Marco commented off handedly, he wasn't about to admit he hadn't followed Cid's advice to the letter and was eager to get into some dry pants when he touched down on solid earth.

As they neared the village, Jake noted that they were floating towards a large pen. He didn't become concerned until he saw the occupants of the pen and began to morph into a tiger.

"Why ya doing that, Jake?" in answer his friend pointed down to an enclosed area containing six big tigers. Marco shrieked and began to steer himself to the out side of the pen. He managed to succeed some what and fell into a tree. When he emerged from the bows, he was tangled up in his parachute, and dangling just out of the beasts' reach.

Jake wasn't as lucky as he drifted, half morphed, into the fenced area. He was set upon immediately as Marco looked on in horror. The commotion brought a small group of Amazons to the scene as Jake screams of pain and the tiger roaring climaxed. Eventually the amazons began to show compassion and used a hooked staff to drag him out, where he was then rushed by two runners with a stretcher to the nearest hospital.

Deprived of their new scratching post, the tigers gathered underneath Marco and twitched their tails in anticipation. "Ha Ha!! You can't get me, you fish sucking flea factories!! Thrrrbbbb!!" Marco wouldn't have been so confidant if he knew just what kind of tigers he was sticking his tongue at.

The Amazons had raised these six from cub-hood, and had given special attention to the intelligence quotient of the felines. These cat were not exactly on the human level of thinking, but were pretty damn close.

Marco stopped his mockery when, to his utter amazement, one of the beasts stood on his hind legs. The tiger then picked up a stick awkwardly between it's paws, and began to poke at Macro.

"Hey stop that! Ow! That hurts! Get away from me with that!" Marco was suddenly cut off as the strings holding him out of harms way snapped…

It took the women a little long to pull him out, then they did Jake. It was hard to distinguish Marco's screams from the squealing of a pig.

*************

We began to run out of time. Our man on the inside informed us that Ryouga was to be wed to the winner of the tournament that had been going on, undaunted, as we attempted gain entry. Ryouga was to be wed to the winner tomorrow.

After Ranma came and retrieved us from the hospital we set our last plan into action. Plan D: When all else fails, use espionage.

*************

[ Batman Scene Change with Marco's head panning out]

The night air was clam as three figures streaked across the clearing and pressed themselves against the wall. Marc was wearing all black, with a head hugging hat and pasty white make up, making him look remarkably like a mime. Ranma and Jake were dressed in their everyday clothing.

Marco motioned for silence and pulled a grappling hook out of a tote bag he had slung over his shoulder. He twirled it for second and threw it up over the wall in an arch, effectively catching the wall.

After climbing up he jumped with in to find Jake and Ranma waiting for him at the bottom. "How'd you guys get in here so fast?" he hissed. Ranma simply pointed at the gate which was wide open.

**************

"Hey, look over there, Sao Pu." The sentry turned her head and saw three figures standing at the gate arguing. Then one began to roll across the ground to one of the huts, with the other two walking behind him. 

"Say, isn't it that Lun Ma guy Shampoo used to chase?" her companion nodded as they viewed the rescuers bumbling across the roof tops, the mime looking one missed the edge of one roof and crashed to the ground.

"Should we raise the alarm?"

"Nah, this is too much fun."

***************

The trio managed to get to the roof of the council lodge, were Ryouga had been moved to, so that the two remaining competitors would try and cheat. Marco rubbed the sizable goose egg on his head as Jake handed him a saw. Soon a large hole was formed and Marco tied a rope harness to himself as he prepared to infiltrate the enemy base…

***************

Ryouga flopped back on his bed and draped an arm across his face. This had been the second most painful week of his life, after being cursed in the Spring of Drowned Piglet. He had had sparing sessions with entire groups of females, almost 15 at a time!

His rear was black and blue from the pinches and playful slaps of the hormone induced Amazons. Today alone he counted at least five fresh red marks on his already mangled bottom. Amazons were not known for being gentle when they flirt.

Then there was the tournament that had him feeling like a trophy or a prize turkey as he sat near the elder's table with a sign around his neck that read: "First Prize." He didn't even want to think about his experiences in the communal bathing center.

Right now all he wanted was to rest in his nice, warm (hopefully safe,) bed. How ever he glanced up at the ceiling and almost let out a yep as Marco was lowered through a freshly made hole the roof al la Mission Impossible.

"Marco, what the…" Before, he could finish, Marco had doused him with water from a squirt gun and threw the now squealing P-Chan into his tote bag, along with Ryouga's clothing.

Not even bothering to climb back up the rope, Marco dashed out of the room and run along the corridor… and smack dab into an Amazon. She had brilliant red hair that was shoulder length and was taller than most of the women in the village, and was also well muscled.

She reached for the large broad sword at her side, and Marco screamed and grabbed the nearest object and hit her on the head with it in a blinding show of speed. He ran full out as the woman collapsed with a mace laying discarded near her.

'I'm home free!' Marco thought gleefully as he ignored P-Chan's squeals of protest and slammed the door open… and found himself facing thirty armed women leveling a variety of painful looking weapons at him. "Oops."

*************

"So he really got you to do that?" Cologne cackled as she chatted merrily with her guests. Suddenly the door burst open and a restrained Marco was dragged in and unceremoniously dropped in chair. Marco looked at other two occupants of the elder's dwelling to find that they were…

"Jake?! Ranma?!" He was speech-less. His friends were sitting with the enemy, un bound,and calmly drinking tea. "Oh hi Marco." Ranma said nonchalantly. "What are you guys doing?! We're going to be tortured, interrogated, and _castrated_!!" Marco hyperventilated while all those present sweat dropped.

The Cologne and the remaining warrior then burst out laughing. "Is that what you think was going to happen?" Cologne asked between guffawed. "Well…" Cologne waved his coming answer aside. "You'd be right on normal standers, but your friends came to me to discuss this problem rationally." Jake gave Marco a smug look. "Yeah, I guess we should've talked it out." He admitted sheepishly.

As they had been talking, the tall Amazon ,who Marco had beaned earlier, had been looking him over and had seated herself uncomfortably close to him. "Well after we talked about it, I've decided to let the lost boy go." P-Chan's head poked out off Marco's bag as soon as the words left the old crone's lips. He gave a joyful "Bweeee!!" and somersaulted into the air.

Suddenly, the warrior who had been eyeing Marco all night, posed a question to the older woman. Cologne answered after a pause and the girl whooped excitedly and seated her self on Marcos' lap. Marco would have enjoyed it if not for the fact he was tied up, the girl was almost 2 feet taller than him, and she was almost as strong as Shampoo. "Gack! What did you say?!" Marco gasped as the Amazon began to nudge him not so gently with her face.

"I simply gave Rouge my consent to court you. You did defeat her, you know. Think of her as your fiancée." Marco's eyes became blood shot and he began to make inaudible noises. Taking this as a sign of acceptance, Rouge picked him up and carried him off to show to her friends. Marco's scream could be heard across the valley.

Jake shook his head and turned to Cologne. "Did you really do that to him?' The elder sipped her tea before answering. "No, I actually told her to make it seem that way for couple of days. He'll be released then." Jake smiled and Ranma sniggered.

*************

So ended our little adventure. Ryouga and Ranma made peace for a few days until, Ranma accidentally ate Ryouga's lunch. They're at again. Jake and I are back in the States after I was set free. Rachel still won't let me live it down.

Thus ends this adventure, now I have to go see the local chiropractor. Amazon hugs hurt like a mother.

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That's it for my first Marco and Jake story, please R&R. And look for more of My Marco and Jake series.


	2. It was a Dark and Stormy Night.

                                                **It Was A Dark and Stormy Night…**

Disclaimer: You know the drill. The second story in my series of fics. Enjoy!

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My names' Marc Diamond, I'm a gumshoe with no gum on his shoes.

My office is a in a pretty crummy part of town, located on tha 35th floor of a dilapidated office building. I've had many strange cases in my time, but tha most unusual one was a lil' trip down tha yeller brick road I like ta call…The Three Way Fiancée Caper. It all started on a rainy Tuesday….

*********

Marco's monologue is cut off by the approach of a figure at the door to his scruffy office. Jake entered and looked around in confusion then saw his best friend dressed up in a trench coat and hat. "Hey , Marco, playing 'Film Noir' again?"

"Yep." Marco replied grinning. Jake blinked his eyes and squinted. "Why's everything black and white?" Marco was about to answer when Jake hit a switch next to the light switch and suddenly the color returned, causing Marco to yelp and fall out of his chair. "Warn me next time!" he groaned, rubbing his eyes. "Sorry."

Marco put his chair back in an upright position and plopped down in it. " Like the set up?" Jake glanced around. "Nice, except one thing. Where is all this cigarette smoke coming from. You don't smoke." Marco answered by reaching behind his desk and pulling out a fog machine.

"Pretty cool huh? It.." Jake held up his hand. "Let me guess it came with the black and white machine, and the coat and hat?" Marco was astonished at Jakes accurate guess but recovered quickly. "Don't forget the 9.mm. It was a Humphrey Bogart package, I couldn't resist." Jake rolled his eyes and took a cautious seat on a green patch work couch. The rusty springs gave an agonizing groan.

Marco propped his feet up on the desk. "So, buddy…wanna be my partner?" Jake shrugged. "I don't have anything better to do." Jake got up and sat at a small desk next to Marco's that had a telephone and a type writer on it. "Stick with me, kid. And maybe you won't get tossed in the Michigan with cement around your ankles."

"Now cases usually start three ways. One: a Phone call from the cops or a customer. Two: A hot dame coming to the door. And finally, a messenger boy falling down on the door step with a package and a knife in his back." Jake looked alarmed.

Even as Marco finished, a female silhouette appeared at his door. "Okay here comes the dame." Marco sounded giddy as he brushed back his hair and picked his teeth. The door burst open and three women came in talking all at once. "Correction **dames**."

The first one was a short haired girl in a dress and coat, yelling at the top of her lungs and waving a mallet for emphasis. The second was a girl clad in a suit and carrying a spatula. The third wore an ornate Chinese dress that left her right leg exposed and wielded two huge maces. "Whoa slow down, back up." Jake cried and they all settled.

"Okay' ladies from tha top, Jake take this down." The short haired one stepped forward. "I'm Akane Tendo, and this is Ukyo Kuonji and Shampoo. We've come to hire you." That surprised Marco. "Why us?" Ukyo answered. "Because, you're the cheapest."

Marco and Jake face-faulted. "I feel so honored." Marco commented snidely. Akane, Ukyo and Shampoo simultaneously slid forward three identical pictures of a young man with a pigtail, Chinese clothing, and a egotistical expression that would have brought a tear to Vegeta's eye. "Confidant, isn't he?" Marco quipped.

"That fiancée, Ranma. He go missing five day ago. Akane found note." The Amazon said, laying a sheet of rumpled paper on the desk. Marco picked it up and looked at it in confusion. "What happened to it? It's all taped together." Akane shuffled her feet. "I kinda got mad when I found it." Marco sighed. The note read:

We have your fiancée. If you ever want to see him in one piece, you'll bring 3,000,000 dollars, a six pack of Miller Light, the Black Materia, a box of Twinkies, and the dragon balls to the old warehouse district on Monday. If you don't comply, you won't be able to find enough atoms for a proper burial.

Love,

The Northwestern Left -Side-of- Mainstreet Gang.

Marco pondered and appeared to put every ounce of thought he had into accepting the case until, to make up his mind for him, Shampoo lifted the hem of her dress a little higher…

"We'll do it!" Marc said, slightly red in the face. As they left Jake turned to Marco. "Okay you took a case, now what Powell?" Marco tossed Jake his jacket. 'We  hit the streets." He left and Jake followed. 

They walked out into a light drizzle and began down the street when Marco paused. "Something's missing." Jake glanced around and scratched his head. "What?" Marco didn't answer him and instead walked off, there was silence for a moment then a whap and yelp of pain. Marco returned to his bewildered friend and began walking again, followed by the classic sleazy saxophone music that accompanied detective films. "Ryouga fell asleep at the cd player." 

***********

I began puzzlin' over tha case at hand, wondering who could be responsible, before my partner  suggested that it might be the Northwestern Left-Side-of-Mainstreet Gang. -Poor kid's a few slices short of a loaf.- Then I began mull it over and thought maybe he had a good point. 'Course I was still thinkin' about that Mandarin number with tha odangos. Watta knock out…

*********

Preoccupied with his fantasies, Marco stepped off the curb.

*********

"These guys work fast Jake! Not even five minutes on the job, and they're already sending hit men after us!" Marco raved as he excavated himself from the imprint  he had left in a brick wall.

"I doubt it. Besides, you walked out in front of him." Jake said as he looked at the driver who was shouting unintelligibly and jabbing his finger at the dented grill of his taxi. All that the former leader of the Animorphs could make out was the cabbie threatening to stick his fender up something.

After getting over the "attack" Marco lead Jake to a speak-easy, sauntered up nonchalantly and rapped on the door. A pair of suspicious eyes peering through the  small sliding window greeted him. "What's the password?"

Marco glanced left to right quickly. "The Acorn has landed." The door opened and they were admitted inside. Marco and Jake looked at the bar, people were drinking, dancing, as well as other activities. They decided to question the bartender, Marlene.

After getting no leads or identification on Ranma, Marco gave her a dollar for ice cream and went after the barmaid/owner Tifa Lockhart. "Nope, can't say I've seen the guy with the pigtail, but I know where you can get info on the gang." Marco wasn't even paying attention as her gave her the "elevator." After Jake slapped him upside the head, he gave her his phone number and walked over to one of the patrons.

A talking pig sat in the booth watching all the hot waitresses and itching to reach out with his very free hands. Tifa pointed him out, for the umpteenth number of times she had beaten him sense-less and threw him out for the free hands he was known for.

"Hello, Oolong." Marco said as he and Jake casually sat in the booth with him. The Shape shifting Pig muttered a greeting and pulled on his collar. "Uh, hey listen if you want info.." Marco leaned forward. "And we do." Oolong sighed, he knew he was bacon bits. "The Northwest-Left-Side-of Mainstreet Gang's hide out. They hang out down at pier 32 in the old warehouse district. Don't tell 'em I sent you." He stopped to catch his breath and Marco pouted. "I wanted to grill him until he spilled his guts." The pig winced. "Don't say 'grill.'"

**********

[Black and white  batman scene change, a Picture of Humphrey Bogart zooms in.]

**********

After learning the where abouts of the gang (which Jake pointed out they already knew, waving the letter in Marco's face,) They made their way to the warehouse district at the pier (don't they all.) As they were about to pass the mouth of a large ally way Marco suddenly held out his arm.

"Wait, I've seen this a thousand times. You walk by the ally way, and are grabbed and introduced to a world of extreme pain as a warning……you go first, Jake." Jake face faulted as his friend pushed him forward. Jake took a deep breath and walked painstakingly by the ally…and nothing happened.

Marco scratched his head. He thought for sure it was this ally. Oh well. As Marco strolled across the opening, a huge muscular hand grabbed him by the throat and yanked him inside. Jake winced at the sounds that followed.

To him, it sounded liked a woman from a 50's horror movie was shrieking in the background as a person was beaten with a car repeatedly during an earthquake. He wasn't too far off. Finally the gruesome sounds halted and Jake relaxed out of his partially huddled position.

The hands appeared again, gently setting Marco down standing up. The way to simply describe how he looked was that he had been tossed in a stump grinder. The assailant pulled out Marco's hat (which had a large chunk of the brim bitten off,) and sat it neatly atop his head, brushed him off with a small hand broom, and popped a mint in  his mouth. Marco slowly keeled over and groaned.

Jake blinked and then noticed the hit man's ridiculously muscled hand holding a tea try in offering. "Just what I needed!" He poured himself a cup and slowly sipped it, savoring the flavor of various herbs and ginseng. He finished his drink and set the cup back on the tray, and reaching into his pocket and laid a five dollar bill on the platter.

The hit man left and Jake dragged his best friend's unconscious form to the nearest doctor's clinic. Minutes later he and a bruised Marco were hot on the trail again. "This is tough, we may have to search the entire city for these lowlifes." The would-be sleuth muttered as Jake bit back the urge to yell at his partner.

As they plodded along, they came across a trolley with a flashing neon sign that said "This Way to the Hide Out!" Marco sweat dropped "Well, it sure beats walking." Jake shrugged and they entered, handing the conductor, Cid Highwind, their two bits. Marco kept thinking he had seen this done somewhere before…

*********

[ Batman Scene Change with Marco's head panning out]

*********

In what appeared to be no time at all, the two heroes fond themselves standing before a grim looking ware house in the bad part of town (I really doubt a group of small time gangsters would be housed in a first class hotel.)

"Well, we're here. Have any ideas on what to do, Sherlock?" Marco ignored him and began to climb up on a convenient tower of crates, with Jake reluctantly following. Wiping away the grime obscuring the window, they peered inside and saw the mobsters with the long name hunched  over something on table.

Both boys began to sweat as they tried to see what they we're doing, when one moved and they saw them……playing Candyland? The short man with the widow's peak was apparently winning, the others were grumbling while an eight foot tall member was trying to stuff one of tokens up his nose.

Shaking with silent mirth the two gumshoes turned around to find themselves face to face with a pair of hit men from the gang, recognizable as Android "Disquieting" Seventeen, and "Iron Liver" Reno.

"Hello, boys. I'm hurt that you didn't just come up to the door and knock, I'm sure Mr. Big wouldn't mind having guests." Seventeen chuckled as Reno pulled out his night stick. "Wanna teach them some manners?"

"Let's"

*************

"Oog, feels like there's a Marching Band in my head." Marco muttered woozily as he regained his senses. As his blurred vision cleared he make out Jake sitting next to him doing the same. He tried to wipe a thread of drool from his lips but found his arms immobile due to the fact that they were tied to his sides. Jake was similarly situated. And right behind them was…

"Ryouga?" The lost boy began to struggle and yelped. "Huh? Whos' there? Somebody turn me around!" Jake shook his head and blinked. "What are you doing here?" Ryouga sighed. "They didn't like the music selection." Marco was about ask something else when a snide voice interrupted him. "Well, nice to see your finally awake."

Standing before the heroes was the entire Northwest-Left –Side…ah forget it. It's the villains of the story. Marco could recognize their ugly mugs anywhere. There were the Turks in all their drunken glory, Android Seventeen, Visser "Dictator" One, "Big Man" Brolli, Sephiroth "the Impaler", "Girly Man" Tarou, and of course Mr. Big himself( a.k.a Vegeta.) They all wore Armani suits, Visser One was noticeably picking at his.

"Nice to finally meet you clowns. I'm surprised you made it this far." Vegeta smirked at his captives. "You've been an awful thorn in our side, Diamond. Your involvement in our affairs is over, how ever." Visser One sneered. "So now what do we do with them?" Tarou inquired.

"Brolli want short one as pet." Marco let out a girly shriek and began to quiver. "What happened to that mouse you were playing with the other day?" Vegeta asked, raising an eyebrow. Brolli looked sad. "He pet once. But don't move no more." Everyone grimaced. "Perhaps that's too horrible."

"How about you let us go and turn yourselves in?" Marco suggested hastily. Mr. Big tapped his chin in thought. "That seems like a good idea…" He suddenly scowled. "Nice try." Marco cursed bitterly. "I say get rid them now and save some trouble." The controller then snapped his fingers and a pair of Taxxons strolled in, slobbering with anticipation. "Eeep!" Jake whimpered.

"Yes, but why don't we have fun with them first. Whatta ya say?" Mr. Big addressed his gang, and the others gave murmurs of agreement, except for Brolli, who was staring off into space. "Brolli!" He snapped out of his own little world and looked down on the much shorter Sayian "What short vegetable man want?" The mob leader glared at the giant super sayian and turned back to his "guests." "Brolli agrees." He whistled.

In the shadows of the were house something shuffled and began crawl towards the light. Marco and Jake began to sweat furiously, while Ryouga was bouncing up and down in his chair, demanding to be turned around. Finally the apparition stepped in the light, which reviled it as Mr. Big's ultimate torture method, The Rabid Accordion Playerä. "Yannie? Give these gentlemen a concert."

**(The following scene has been censored due to the obscenely atrocious music.)**

Two hours later the monster finished and shuffled off after Mr. Big removed his earmuffs and gave him a plate of Braughtwurst. Marco and Jake lolled and twitched, emotionally scarred for life. "It was pretty good actually." Everyone fell over at Ryouga's remark.

"Enough of this, time to say good night." Vegeta snapped as he walked over to an object enshrouded by a sheet and pulled the tarp away to reveal a giant delete key. " Prepare to be deleted." Vegeta smirked as he began rapidly pressing the button. The ends of Marco's feet began to cube up and vanished as the deletion ran up his foot, he shrieked as the gang laughed maliciously.

"This can't happen to me! I'm the hero!" Marco sobbed and then blinked with surprise. "Wait a minute!" He strained and managed to dislodge one of his arms and began rummaging through his coat. He finally came up with the script and flipped through it as the deletion began to crawl up his legs. "Hey! I don't get deleted, I DON'T GET DELETED!!" Vegeta paused in his villainous fun and scowled at Marco. "What the hell are you talking about?!" Marco stuck out his tongue. "I don't get killed, it's right here in black and white." Vgeta stomped over and snatched the script out of the gumshoe's hand and glanced over it.

He stopped reading and gave the page a disgusted stare, then he pulled out a pencil and scribbled something down on the paper and handed it back to Marco. "Hey no fair!" Marco whined as Vegeta smirked. "Who says the villain has to be fair?"

Marco gave Mr. Big a dirty look and grabbed the pencil from the mobster's hand and wrote over his scrawl. "Now see here!" Vegeta snarled as he stormed up to Marco, who stood up with the chair still attached to his bottom and they both stood eye to eye. Antagonist and Protagonist growled and stood on their tip toes as they argued.

"Your going to be deleted!"

"I am not!"

"You are too!"

"Not!"

"To!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

As this went on the others looked on with mild interest. Meanwhile, Jake got an idea. "Hey Ryouga? Your strong right?" The lost boy nodded. "Then why didn't you break these ropes?" Ryouga blinked once, twice. The he grinned sheepishly. "Ah hah hah. I forgot." Jake face faulted as the cursed boy broke his bond and loosened Jake's. They both snuck out as the two tiny titans debated like politicians.

****************

"Not!"

"To!"

"Not!"

The verbal sparring was still in full swing three hours later, mean while the other gang members quickly tired of the ranting and wandered off to occupy themselves. Reno and Rude were engaged in a spirited drinking contest with Seventeen, Broli had found a ball of yarn to amuse himself with, Sephiroth was huddled in the corner with his gameboy trying to beat Final Fantasy Three and grumbling about he was the greatest FF villain is existence, and Visser One was giving directions to the crew of his Blade Ship.

"Pack my overnight bag, and you had better feed Dr. Fishoppolis, because if I come back on bored to find him dead, you will be the one floating belly up!!" He snarled over his cell phone while the random subordinate who was unlucky enough to have answered it, cowered. "Yes, sir."

Suddenly the door burst open and Ryouga stepped in and held his umbrella out like a lance. "RANMA PREPARE TO..err…MR. BIG PREPARE TO…I mean….ah, skip it." He stormed in followed by Ranma's fiancées, wielding their signature weapons. The came Cassie and Rachel.

"Hey, I was just starting to win!" Marco whined. Vegeta gave him a glare. "I was!" Rachel sighed with disgust and brought up her gun. "Enough of this short man bitch session. Freeze!!" Vegeta  decided to let the argument drop and shoved Marco away as he ran to the other side of the room were the rest of his gang joined him.

Marco and Jake whipped out their guns, Shampoo held her maces in ready position, Ukyo fitted throwing spatulas into her hands, Akane had her mallet for any threat they dared come near her, and Cassie was Awkwardly holding Tommy gun. "You sure I can handle this?" she asked Rachel timidly. "Yeah, their easy to use, just point and shoot."

Wrong choice of words. Cassie held the gun out  in front of er and squeezed the trigger. The small _rat-a-tat-tat _of the weapon seemed sound, well, interesting, so she fired off a quick round again. She then got a look on her face that Marco later dubbed "The James Cagney Look." As she fired wildly around the room smiling manically. "You were right Rach! This is fun! The Power!! THE POWER!!!" Jake appeared out the smoke and swiped it from her hand. He gave her a hallow look. "No..more..tommy..gun…for you!" he said through clinched teeth. "Sorry, I kinda lost myself for a moment." She muttered sheepishly.

The room was full of gun steam and bullet hole dotted the building like a community of  termite had moved in. Windows had shattered and the sparse furniture was scorched. Amid the carnage was Marco. His trench coat was tattered, his hat looked like Swiss cheese, and the sleeve were completely gone. He had a blank look on his face.

Cassie gave him look of concern and asked, "Marco, are okay?" He blinked then shook his head had gave her a confidant grin. "Nah, I'm okay." He strolled over to a water cooler and poured himself a cup. Water sprinkled out of the bullet holes in his body as he sipped his drink. "This is so WB." He commented dryly.

"Hey, were are the villains?" asked Ryouga, scratching his head with his umbrella. Out from behind the crates lining the warehouse a small white flag appeared and waved along with the frightened eyes of the mobsters. Then the all Irish police men burst in.

****************

As soon he was safely cuffed, Mr. Big was handed over to the fiancées for questioning. Several arm twists and ear grabs later he screamed, "Okay! Okay! In the back room!!" He was dropped to the ground as the girls rushed to towards a door at the far wall and tore it off it's hinges.

Inside, Ranma was performing his katas until he turned to see what  was the disturbance, and turned deathly pale. "NOOOO!!!" Marco was counting his reward money when the cry rang out as a terrified Ranma ran into the main building shrieking like a banshee.

"You  have no reason to fear, you've freed from the North-West-Left-Side-of Mainstreet- Gang." Ranma gave Marc a long-suffering look. "I didn't want to be saved!" he moaned. This got everyone's attention. "I hired them to 'kidnap' me so I could have some time to myself and maybe sort out this whole fiancée mess!!"

Everyone sweat dropped at Ranma's outburst, then Vegeta cleared his throat. "And it looks like you're the who's going to pay our fee." He held out his hand and snapped his fingers twice.

*****************

Marco stood facing Vegeta as everyone surrounded the short privet eye. His lip trembled as he began laying bills in the sayian prince's out stretched hand. He laid more bills down, his eye began to water, and as he got down to the last thousand, his eyes had streams of tears running down his face. He clutched the last hundred protectively.

"Common, give it here." Vegeta said. As Marco sighed and painstakingly laid the currency in Vegeta's hand. "That's a good little meddler." Marc turned away and sobbed bitterly. Vegeta was being led off by the police, but stopped walked back to the weeping boy. "You have change." He smirked a he tossed the Jackson in Marc's direction. Marco's tears turned from sorrow to joy as stuffed the  money to his pocket.

"Well, Jake I guess that's case closed." Marco and Jake left the criminals to the fuzz, and Ranma to his girlfriends as the walked off down the street, once again into the rain. Jake paused and turned to Marco with a confused look on his face. "I've been wondering…just who jumped you in that ally way. Marco gave him an all knowing look.

"Why, Jake. Don't you know  the butler always did it?"

******************

Fin 

Thanks for reading It maybe a while before I get any more up so be patient. No Flames!!


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